Guangzhou >> Doha >> JFK

It has been well over a month since my last post. While most people are aware I went home for a week at the end of November, I want to explain how it was to come home and now, how it feels to be back. I was surprised to hear how many friends and family actually read my blog so I will press on and I plan on writing multiple posts this week to catch everyone up.

In mid-October, when my mother had intended on visiting me, I was really looking forward to seeing her after not having seen a loved one in two months. (Well, nervous too because I was afraid of what she might think.) Plans fell through when my grandmother, whom we all lovingly call "Ummi" or mother, fell ill. A few days before she passed away, I spoke to my older sister and mother on the phone. Ummi had been in the hospital for over a month by then. From their update of her health, I grew deeply worried and asked if I should come home. My mother said there was no need and so of course, I stayed. A few mornings later, my aunt texted me and told me to pray for Ummi "because the doctors said she is not doing so good but we are still hopeful." I tried calling but couldn't get through. I still had a meeting to attend and two classes to teach. I snapped at my annoying coworker for wasting time in our weekly meetings and when I walked to my first class, one of my students asked what was wrong. I told him I think my grandmother was dying and all he said was "oh, it will be okay." I guess that's how they deal with these things here. A week prior, a student's father passed away. I was informed not to ask or say anything about it. Seemed cold to me. During my morning classes, I put on my teacher face and tried not to think about it.

Finally, my sister called back with a shaky voice and I knew what she was going to say, but I still asked what was wrong anyway. She told me Ummi fought but finally her body gave up. I regretted everything China during that conversation. I tried to wipe my face before going to see my immediate boss, Rae, but I'm pretty sure my eyes were too red and swollen. I told her I had to go home and she knew why. I had half an hour to pack before heading to the airport. I threw in some clothes into my suitcase and the gifts I had bought for my family throughout the trip thus far. I wished I could have given them the gifts on a more happier occasion. Me and Rae drove off to the Baiyun International Airport in Guangzhou.

I tried to make conversation in the car so it wasn't awkward. I thought: two days ago I had bought groceries. They'll probably go bad. Rae insisted on ordering my tickets (I think everyone thinks I am dumb here) and she ended up getting tickets leaving 8 hours from then. I knew I should have done it myself. Then she insisted on buying me lunch. I didn't want to eat and I didn't finish the meal. I know she wanted to help but I found her forced concern, discomforting. I'd rather be alone. Finally boarding, with a 20-hour flight and not including the layover, I knew there was no way I was going to get home in time for the funeral. Islamically, people are to be buried immediately after death. Realizing that was the hardest. Bad airplane food and good movies served as a good distraction. I tried falling asleep while listening to Coldplay. (bad idea.) I cried so hard and was so ashamed of my crying while sitting next to strangers, I covered my eyes with a sleep mask, using it as a cold, wet sponge for my tears.

Best Ummi anybody could ask for.

Landing was great, being picked up by my dad and sisters was even better. Only weird, under the circumstances. Seeing the rest of my family was hard. My mom, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and great aunt and uncles were all at my grandmother's house. The same house where we celebrated major occasions and many weekends, seemed empty. Sitting in her room was comforting and strange at the same time. They described the funeral and how beautiful she looked. In Islam, the same-gendered, close relatives of the person who passed, must wash the body. I should have been there. Still, being the oldest grandchildren, I'm glad one of us between my older sister and I were there. At her grave site, as my brother and cousins threw dirt on her grave, my older sister even threw dirt in my name. Even if I could not physically be there, I'm glad my family thought of me and wished I could. The night I landed, a distant relative also passed away after a long battle with cancer. We went to his funeral the following morning and my mother said that even though I did not pray at Ummi's Salah Jenazah (Funeral Prayer), at least I can do it for someone else.

I don't want to describe in detail the whole somber ordeal. (I certainly could babble on.) A lot of my close friends know how much I love I my grandmother and my biggest worry was that she would pass away while I was away. I'm not regretting missing her funeral, although I do wish I could have been there. That regret would eat me up if I let it. I am just glad I tried to see Ummi while she was alive, although I know I could have done more. I even got to say bye to her. The day I left, I visited her and when I said goodbye, she cried because she was afraid she would never see me again. I remember lingering in her hug as she cried. Ummi was notorious for thinking she was about to die for as long as I can remmeber. This time it felt real.

I feel so lucky to have know such an amazing woman. On my birthday she would ask how old I was now and when I told her, she would remind me of what she had accomplished by my age. This was generally a loving reminder that my biological clock was ticking. With only a 4th grade level of formal education, my Ummi began to stay home and take care of her younger siblings since she was the oldest. She was married by 16 and by her 30s she was in the US. She was widowed by her 40s, (my grandpa passing away while my mother was pregnant with me) and had 9 children, two of whom passed way.  She took me, my mother and siblings in when things between my parents were most tense and took me in in college when my dad kicked me out. She was always there. I have never known a more selfless, loving, and compassionate person. In her honor, I want to live a happier life and I want to be a better daughter to my mom.

It meant so much to me how some of you reached out, my brother and sisters, my friends at Central, and my friends from LA to NYC . Honestly, this is the hardest loss I have ever faced. It especially brought me so much comfort to see my family and I realized how quickly I forgot that I have the best family in the world, as crazy as they may drive me at times. So, so, so much love and more posts to come.