Guangzhou >> Doha >> JFK

It has been well over a month since my last post. While most people are aware I went home for a week at the end of November, I want to explain how it was to come home and now, how it feels to be back. I was surprised to hear how many friends and family actually read my blog so I will press on and I plan on writing multiple posts this week to catch everyone up.

In mid-October, when my mother had intended on visiting me, I was really looking forward to seeing her after not having seen a loved one in two months. (Well, nervous too because I was afraid of what she might think.) Plans fell through when my grandmother, whom we all lovingly call "Ummi" or mother, fell ill. A few days before she passed away, I spoke to my older sister and mother on the phone. Ummi had been in the hospital for over a month by then. From their update of her health, I grew deeply worried and asked if I should come home. My mother said there was no need and so of course, I stayed. A few mornings later, my aunt texted me and told me to pray for Ummi "because the doctors said she is not doing so good but we are still hopeful." I tried calling but couldn't get through. I still had a meeting to attend and two classes to teach. I snapped at my annoying coworker for wasting time in our weekly meetings and when I walked to my first class, one of my students asked what was wrong. I told him I think my grandmother was dying and all he said was "oh, it will be okay." I guess that's how they deal with these things here. A week prior, a student's father passed away. I was informed not to ask or say anything about it. Seemed cold to me. During my morning classes, I put on my teacher face and tried not to think about it.

Finally, my sister called back with a shaky voice and I knew what she was going to say, but I still asked what was wrong anyway. She told me Ummi fought but finally her body gave up. I regretted everything China during that conversation. I tried to wipe my face before going to see my immediate boss, Rae, but I'm pretty sure my eyes were too red and swollen. I told her I had to go home and she knew why. I had half an hour to pack before heading to the airport. I threw in some clothes into my suitcase and the gifts I had bought for my family throughout the trip thus far. I wished I could have given them the gifts on a more happier occasion. Me and Rae drove off to the Baiyun International Airport in Guangzhou.

I tried to make conversation in the car so it wasn't awkward. I thought: two days ago I had bought groceries. They'll probably go bad. Rae insisted on ordering my tickets (I think everyone thinks I am dumb here) and she ended up getting tickets leaving 8 hours from then. I knew I should have done it myself. Then she insisted on buying me lunch. I didn't want to eat and I didn't finish the meal. I know she wanted to help but I found her forced concern, discomforting. I'd rather be alone. Finally boarding, with a 20-hour flight and not including the layover, I knew there was no way I was going to get home in time for the funeral. Islamically, people are to be buried immediately after death. Realizing that was the hardest. Bad airplane food and good movies served as a good distraction. I tried falling asleep while listening to Coldplay. (bad idea.) I cried so hard and was so ashamed of my crying while sitting next to strangers, I covered my eyes with a sleep mask, using it as a cold, wet sponge for my tears.

Best Ummi anybody could ask for.

Landing was great, being picked up by my dad and sisters was even better. Only weird, under the circumstances. Seeing the rest of my family was hard. My mom, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and great aunt and uncles were all at my grandmother's house. The same house where we celebrated major occasions and many weekends, seemed empty. Sitting in her room was comforting and strange at the same time. They described the funeral and how beautiful she looked. In Islam, the same-gendered, close relatives of the person who passed, must wash the body. I should have been there. Still, being the oldest grandchildren, I'm glad one of us between my older sister and I were there. At her grave site, as my brother and cousins threw dirt on her grave, my older sister even threw dirt in my name. Even if I could not physically be there, I'm glad my family thought of me and wished I could. The night I landed, a distant relative also passed away after a long battle with cancer. We went to his funeral the following morning and my mother said that even though I did not pray at Ummi's Salah Jenazah (Funeral Prayer), at least I can do it for someone else.

I don't want to describe in detail the whole somber ordeal. (I certainly could babble on.) A lot of my close friends know how much I love I my grandmother and my biggest worry was that she would pass away while I was away. I'm not regretting missing her funeral, although I do wish I could have been there. That regret would eat me up if I let it. I am just glad I tried to see Ummi while she was alive, although I know I could have done more. I even got to say bye to her. The day I left, I visited her and when I said goodbye, she cried because she was afraid she would never see me again. I remember lingering in her hug as she cried. Ummi was notorious for thinking she was about to die for as long as I can remmeber. This time it felt real.

I feel so lucky to have know such an amazing woman. On my birthday she would ask how old I was now and when I told her, she would remind me of what she had accomplished by my age. This was generally a loving reminder that my biological clock was ticking. With only a 4th grade level of formal education, my Ummi began to stay home and take care of her younger siblings since she was the oldest. She was married by 16 and by her 30s she was in the US. She was widowed by her 40s, (my grandpa passing away while my mother was pregnant with me) and had 9 children, two of whom passed way.  She took me, my mother and siblings in when things between my parents were most tense and took me in in college when my dad kicked me out. She was always there. I have never known a more selfless, loving, and compassionate person. In her honor, I want to live a happier life and I want to be a better daughter to my mom.

It meant so much to me how some of you reached out, my brother and sisters, my friends at Central, and my friends from LA to NYC . Honestly, this is the hardest loss I have ever faced. It especially brought me so much comfort to see my family and I realized how quickly I forgot that I have the best family in the world, as crazy as they may drive me at times. So, so, so much love and more posts to come.

How I have been keeping busy

I agree I have been MIA, but I swear I am not hurt nor depressed. I actually am trying to keep myself busy. I am sorry if you have been concerned so I'll fill you in about the ways in which I am spending my time.

I’m beginning to settle in with my job. That is not to say am not frustrated by it in a lot of ways. I'll need a separate post for that but for one thing, one of my students clearly has special needs and the lack of understanding about children with such needs here is disturbing. It contrasts greatly with how I felt students were over diagnosed with special needs and overmedicated in the States. Here, parents do not want to mar their child’s life by having them carry this label as children, so they just ignore it. I have discussed this with the higher ups at my job and no one knows how to address his needs nor knows how to talk to his parents about these concerns. It makes me wonder what will become of this student. I also have a student who is so disengaged that he reminds me of some of my students in Newark, only his parents are super rich and ignore our requests for intervention, saying that they cannot be bothered by him because they work so much. Another one of my students is overmedicated by antidepressants, which his parents had him popping since he refused to go to school for a year after girl he liked did not love him back. (I am totally serious.) During class he sleeps A LOT and if he is awake, he stares into space, possibly reaching into other dimensions. Again, no one knows how to address this. On the other hand, a lot of my students are progressing and I feel like a proud mom when they impress others with their English and academic skills so it is not all bad. We recently threw a Halloween party and although the most tamed Halloween party I have ever been to, it was sweet. 

Some of the kiddies.

I wanted to be a dumpling,
 but all I could find was a panda suit.
(btw, thats a sticker on my face lol)

I spent a weekend two weeks ago in Yangshuo. It was amazing, for lack of a better word. The town is filled with karst mountains formed over time by the bases of the mountains being eroded by the acidity of the Li River nearby. I went mountain climbing for the first time and seriously loved it. (I went into Foshan this past weekend to find a local climbing spot…2 hours away by bus…but it was so disappointingly, small. And I discovered the city of Foshan is just filled with  commercial shopping centers for the uppity types…yuck! My best bet is to go to Guangzhou on the weekends if I want to climb more.) I plan on going again since it is only 10 hours away. The pictures of Yangshuo pretty much speak for themselves. Check them out!

My mode of transport to Guanxi Province. 

My mode of transport along the Li River. "Bamboo" rafts made of PVC pipes.

kinda perfect, huh?

We went hopping around the center of town at night
designed for expats and tourists but it was so fun!

Finally, on weeknights I find it too taxing to leave so I have been reading a lot. I am currently reading The Darker Nations by Vijay Prashad and The Great Reversal by William Hinton. (Maybe I will post book reviews?!) I follow the news closely here but I want to expand my understanding of the Global South. Plus, I’ve been considering going back to school soon and I think this will help me prepare for it. I've been studying Mandarin with the head of the Chinese language department too. I've been told that I am very skilled and a fast learner. I'm really proud of myself for that.

Speaking of preparations, I am planning on going to Pakistan and India during my three-week Spring Festival break in late January/early February. I am going to meet my dad and older sister (God, I miss you guys!) in Rawalpindi, stay there for a few weeks, and then take a train into the Punjab across the border. India is at the top of my list for places I want to go and I seriously cannot wait for this trip to be finalized. I’m working on it though, so more details are to come!

XOXOX

I heart guangzhou

A friend of my sisters who had traveled to Guangzhou said I would like the capital city of Guangdong province, but I didn’t think I would like it this much. During National Holiday week I decided to spend three days exploring the city. I had key places I waned to visit and I’ll give you just a few highlights of my trip.   

1.              Shamian Island. Basically old European buildings in the formerly French and British island conceded by the Qing dynasty in the 19^th century. There stand old colonial British, French, and Soviet and American embassies. Some of the buildings are now private residences and some are now hotels or shops. Between the buildings tower beautiful trees, designated as historic and protected by the state. I’m not sure which I liked better, but both the buildings and trees were reminders of a distant past.

2.              Shangxiajiu Pedestrian Street. The street was probably my least favorite place because it reminded me of the slow moving crowds around Times Square coupled with the crowds that flock to 33^rd Street or Broadway to shop. It was just cool to see where many different types of people hang out at night. (I couldn't even get a good picture. Too many friggin people!)

3.              Sacred Heart Cathedral. Such a randomly beautiful church in the middle of a busy district of Guangzhou. Apparently, it was hard for the French architect who designed it to communicate with workers who had never built in such a style. I think it turned out alright.

  

4.              Yuexiu Park. This place seriously feels like a Chinese Central Park. So beautiful and so peaceful! I could spend hours here.

5.              Bright Filial Piety Temple. The oldest temple in Guangzhou with the largest bronze Buddhist statues I have ever seen (weighing in at 14 tons!)

6.              The Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall. Sun Yat-Sen was the first president of China. This octagonal hall and park were built from funds from Chinese, including those of the Chinese diaspora in the 1920s.

7.              The Temple of the Six Bunyan Trees.  I am just amazed by how many ancient historical sites in this city are still in regular use. The temple was founded 1,400 years ago. Monks still live here and run the place. The Pagoda alone was a pretty impressive sig

ht.

8.              The Huaisheng Mosque of Guangzhou. (Huaisheng literally means "in memory of the sage") The Mosque, one of the oldest mosques in all of China, was first founded 1,300 years ago. It was rebuilt several times due to fire, among other events. I knew even before coming to China that I had to visit this place. I came here for Friday prayer just early enough to explore the whole mosque. People actually said salaam to me instead of giving me funny stares or shouting “hello!” which was a nice change. Soon enough, as more men entered to pray, I tucked away into the women’s room. It was much smaller but just as inviting. The women ranged from Chinese to North African and some South Asian women. It felt good to not be the only foreigner. All the women said salaam as they entered and it felt like I was exactly  where I needed to be. I stayed here for about two hours and wished I could stay longer, but unfortunately I had to head home. I’m definitely making a stop here again next time. I also want to go to the tomb of the founder of the Mosque, Sa'ad ibn abi Waqqaas who is a maternal uncle of the Prophet Muhammad and is said to have died in Guangzhou.

Other things I want to do next time are: a night cruise of the Pearl River to see the nighttime skyline and hike the Baiyun Mountain as well as ride the chairlift across the mountains in the city. I wish you guys could see this awesome city too! Before coming here I wasn’t so certain if I liked it here. However, the walkability, easy subway system, nightlife, and variety of food here (yes, I had plenty of halal and Indian food and it was soooo goooood!) all make me feel like I can really grow to love living here.

The Chinese Middle Class and Sports Politics

While I don’t think that my first month has flown by, I still am amazed that that I have been away for over a month now. No major news but I have been thinking about the impact of my work here a lot lately.

As classes began back in Newark earlier this month, I thought of my students, especially those that I felt a real connection with and wondered if they wondered where I was. My plans for China came so last minute during the summer, that I did not get the chance to tell my students that I would not be coming back. Realistically, some wouldn’t care.  Regardless, and I’m not full of myself when I say this, but I do know that back in the Bricks, I did mean something. Some students may never talk to me again after they graduate or even after they took my class, but there are some students with which there was a genuine connection. I know this because I felt it. As teachers, we are not allowed favorites, but there are some special students that you find yourself just investing more in. They demand the extra attention and frankly, they deserve it. I don’t know how common this is in a suburban district, but I had students who were so bright and so curious that I wanted to guide them and give them an outlet for their experiences, interests, and ideas. I truly wonder if I will be able to establish that same connection with my students here and I think class plays a big factor in my uncertainty.

I came to realize class as a major factor as to why I was not building the same relationships with my students when my school planned a field trip. Due to the upcoming National Holiday for which we had a week off, the week prior was an 8-day-straight school week. (It felt so weird to have work on the weekends!) My headmaster recommended we take the students out one day and asked for suggestions. I suggested we go to Guangzhou, sight see, go to the park, or play games. I thought it would be a much-needed break for them to relax and be normal teenagers. (My students’ weekly routines are so scheduled; I suffocate just imagining if I was in their place!) Alas, the school headmaster decided instead on a golf outing. She figured me and my coworker are foreigners and could teach them a bit about foreign sports. Mind you, I have never been on a real golf course before. Didn’t they know that there are many sports played in the US of which golf isn’t one of the more popular ones? Of course not. In the States, You only play golf if you have access and that access is hardly granted to lower class individuals. Then it clicked. I am not just preparing my students here to attend American universities, but also preparing them for a certain lifestyle of cocktail parties, overseas vacations, and expensive foreign cars. I am pretty much prepping my students for a bougie lifestyle that I intentionally disassociate from and I really do not feel very comfortable with that.

I’m not saying that working at a public school in the inner city didn’t have it’s uncomfortable job requirements. Take for instance, the high stakes testing and the standardization of teaching methods, and simply, the militarist sense of school safety and discipline. I did not feel comfortable with being a part of a system that was undereducating students and failing to address their many needs, most of them stemming from the poverty and violence in their neighborhoods. At the same time, teachers are being disempowered and blamed for this underacheivemnt. Yes, Newark Public Schools has it flaws but at least I knew that within my own classroom I had a handful of minds that I was really reaching. I wonder if I will reach these students in the same way. Even more so, I wonder if I will be the one holding back or it will be my students.

In the end, the golf outing actually turned out to be fun. Some of my students went golfing before, so they taught
me some techniques and a few of my students and I bonded over agreeing that mini golf is so much more fun. We laughed at how terrible some students were and cheered those who were talented. My female students couldn’t stop laughing at how the instructor was hitting on me. The guy used them as a translator to say I was beatuful and asked if I like “chinese boys.” I laughed and said "I don’t know." My students simply translated it back as “no,” but I didn’t bother to correct him. The trip basically helped me remember how contrived the classroom environment can be. It serves a purpose but it is also quite unnatural. I hope I get more similar opportunities to get to know my students better in future. I'm still uncomfortable about my work here but at least I can try to build a strong bond with my students. They are just kids, after all.